I am a type A, organized, control freak to the max. In August 2018, we found out we were pregnant with our second child after trying "all the things" to conceive a girl. Very early on, things didn't feel right, but my healthcare providers kept telling me everything was normal. At ten weeks, my midwife struggled to find a heartbeat, but she assured us it was there. I had an ultrasound at 13 weeks, and we were told that our baby was gone and that they had stopped growing at eight weeks and five days. I was devastated. Through failed healthcare, I did not miscarry until 14 weeks and still required a medical procedure.
Just because your baby is gone does not mean the experience is over. Just because I know I will see my baby one day in Heaven doesn't mean it is easy. I cried, I grieved; I, unfortunately, had feelings out of fear and insecurity. I want others to know you're not alone. It's okay to suffer, it's okay to cry, sometimes at the most inexplicable times, but it's okay. You are not to blame for things that are out of your control. You don't need to feel ashamed.
Most of us won't know on this side of Heaven why I went through a miscarriage, but I cling to two things I heard preached at Legacy during the season of my miscarriage; "live or die, God be glorified" and "faith isn't faith until it's been tested." In my grief, I dove into the Bible and learned a lot about giving up control and trusting God. Today, God has blessed me with my incredible rainbow baby boy.
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